Cry Him a River (With her by your side)
by manystuff
Summary: After Jonathan Kent's death, Clark lives in denial for a week, but Lois Lane is determined to end this. {Clois, season 5}


**_Based on a prompt on Tumblr from @witterprompts_**

He hadn't let the tears come to his eyes yet, he wouldn't do this to his mother. It's been a week since the funeral and his mother had cried herself to sleep every single night. It was killing him, eating him alive, the emotional pain became physical, he felt sick everyday and wanted just to puke his emotions out. But he wouldn't do this to his mother.

Martha Kent just lost the love of her life and needed her son to he strong for her, he knew that she didn't need one more crying mess in the house, she needed someone who was brave enough to take care of her without falling apart. He knew all of that, but it didn't make any easier.

"Are you sure you're alright, Clark?" He barely heard Chloe asking.

"I'm fine, Chloe. My mom's the one I'm worried about." Clark expressed his worries to his best friend.

"Just give it some time, I'm sure she'll come around. She's stronger than we think." Chloe put a hand on his shoulder and smiled weakly. "I'm sorry I can't do anything for you guys, Clark. I wish I could help more." He heard Chloe saying, he knew she was being honest. He smiled back just as weakly and watched as his friend walked to her car, pulling the engine and going home.

He was alone again, just him and his broken mother that he wanted to take care so much but didn't know how. He didn't know if he could face his mother for more than five minutes, have a talk with her about his father and not let the guilt tear him apart. Jonathan Kent was dead because of him and, in the process, he shattetered his own mother's heart.

Was that all Clark had to give his parents in return? After all they did for him, restless nights worrying about him, restless days praying so nobody would ever find out his secret... The Kents took him in when he was a child, when he had nobody, without them, he would just be Kal-El, an alien from a destroyed planet. Jonathan and Martha gave them love, hope, showed him the real meaning of a family when he had none. And that's how he repayed them? Killing one and breaking the other.

How was he supposed to look his mother in the eye and tell her that everything was going to be fine? How was he supposed to tell her that her husband was now in a better place, watching over them and all that crap people say like the pain would suddenly disappear?

He didn't feel like he deserved to be their son anymore. He didn't even feel like he had the right to miss his dad, to feel sad for it. He didn't deseve it.

"Hi." He heard a familiar voice coming from the door. He didn't even hear Lois coming in. As always, she made herself at home, but he didn't have the heart to argue, because being honest, that was her home.

"Hi." He answered and sat beside her at the couch.

"How's your mom going?" She asked, looking at the television in front of her, even if it was turned off.

"Not well." Clark aswered, looking at the same direction. "She hasn't left her room in days. She just leaves when she needs to go to the bathroom. I take her food there, but she doesn't even look at me when I'm there. I haven't heard her voice in a while." Clark realizes he's said too much when Lois looks at him with sad eyes that mirroed his. "I'm sorry, I didn't mean to throw this on your plate." He apologized and smiled weakly. "She's gonna be fine, you don't have to worry. I'll make sure of it." He said it, but he didn't believe it.

"What about you?" Lois asks.

"What about me?"

"What do you mean 'what about me?'"

"I don't know, what did you want to know about me?"

"I wanted to know how you're doing, Clark." She answers. "So, how are you doing?"

Badly. Depressed. Guilty.

"I'm fine."

"No, you're not." She says and turns her gaze to the television again. Of course, he should've known that there was no way he could escape Lois Lane and her investigative skills. He almost smiles at that, but then he remembers about what they're talking about. "You're a mess."

"And how would you know that?" He asks defensively, although he wasn't offended, just curious.

"Because I know you." She says and looks at him again. She offers her hand and he took it without thinking about what she wanted. She stood up, took him with her to the porch and sat there with him.

"I think the couch is a little more confortable, Lois." He says, even if it doesn't make that much difference for him.

"I'm sure it is." She answered. "But it's prettier here." She looked at him. "Look up, Clark." He did. "What do you see?"

"I see the sky." He replied. "And the stars and the moon."

"You see the night, then?" She quizzed.

"Yeah, pretty much."

"What's gonna happen to the night in a few hours, Clark?" She asked, turning her body to his. He kept looking up, as she had asked.

"The sun will come out. The night's gonna fade and it's gonna be a new day." He answered, already knowing where she was getting. "Are you saying I should just give it time and it'll fade away?" He knew she was trying to help, but it's not like that he felt. Not completely, it was something more.

"No, Clark, I'm not talking about you here." She smiled and suddenly he felt confused. "I'm talking about your mom." She explained and looked up to the sky, her eyes taking a far away glow. "Your mom is in the night, in the middle of a street that doesn't have any lights. She's in the dark, alone. Even if you're there for her, she'll feel alone for a while. But you don't have to worry, soon she'll feel better, there's gonna be light." He looked awestruck with all she was saying, but she kept talking. "But even when she feels better, there'll be times when she's gonna remember how half of her is not there anymore. As bright days sometimes have strong storms, she'll have breakdowns, she'll feel sad sometimes and it's ok, you won't have to worry when times like those come, she'll always come around, make it through the storms. She's strong, Clark, you just have to have faith." Lois finished it and looked at him, he could feel his vision getting blury with the tears, but he wouldn't let them fall, he promised himself he would be his mother's rock, and now, with what Lois said, he knew that there's hope for his mom, she's gonna be fine, he knew that now.

"Thank you." He said, not knowing exactly what else to say to her. He was extremely grateful for her friendship in that moment, and he could see how her caring, pure heart is hidden behind her invisible walls. Lois Lane was a force of nature, and he wouldn't forget that, not ever.

"I'm not finished yet." She said with a hint of hurt. He felt confused again, she already helped so much, what could be more to help? "I know that you are a very stubborn guy, Smallville, and I know that, for some weird reason, you carry the weight of the world on your shoulders. I'm not here to ask you why. I'm not sure I want to know, to be honest. But I can see it in your eyes how this is killing you." She began and he was about to interrupt her, saying that he was fine, that he would handle things, but she put her index finger in his lips, stopping him. "Before you say something, Mr. King Of Denial, just tell me why do you feel like this is your fault."

He couldn't deny anymore, or in her words, he couldn't pretend he wasn't the king of denial, because he certainly was feeling like he was. The cat was out of the bag already, she knew he was misarable, but still he didn't know if she could ever understand if she didn't know the circunstances and didn't know about his "time-travel".

"If you lost someone you care about and didn't accept it, you'd do anything to change it, wouldn't you?" He asks her, not looking into her eyes.

"I would."

"Even if there were consequences? Even if it meant that maybe, just maybe, something worst would happen?" He looks into her eyes now, expecting to find an answer, anything that could take his pain away.

"It depends." She starts. "We're just humans, Clark." He smiled at that. She barely knew..."And I have the feeling that this has something to do with the part of your life that you don't talk about, so I couldn't understand even if I tried, but I can say that you couldn't have known and I'm pretty sure we can't just cause heart attacks on people. Could you honestly tell me that if you knew your father of all people would die you'd still make the choices you made, whatever they were? Besides, we're not Gods, we can't just blink and have someone killed." She grabs his hand and squeezes it. He squeezes her hand back. "The unknown is our biggest enemy. If we choose to eat pizza today without knowing it's rotten, it's not our fault if we have to skip a day of work because we're sick the next morning, is it?" She watched him. "What I mean is, it's hard to go above and beyond your own expectations, but no one's saying you have to."

He was speeceless. Not in a jaw-dropped way, but in a silent way. He looked at the sky, like she told him to do earlier and let her words sink in. He didn't know, if he knew he would sure as hell not have done what he did, not to his father, not to anyone. He squeezes her hand, it was so warm, even if he didn't feel the cold, he suddenly felt like he needed that warmth.

"So, I'm gonna ask you again and be honest this time." She told him and he looked at her, taking his eyes off the stars. "How are you doing?" Her eyes looked worried and he felt strangely protected.

"I'm doing..." He tried to find the words. "I'm doing better than I was yesterday. Much better." He took a long breath. "I'm not fine, but I know I'm gonna be now, before I didn't think that would ever be possible again. Not without him." He played with her fingers. "And I don't feel so alone anymore. He took a piece of me to the grave, and I felt empty but...There's hope, I guess." He finished, looking into her eyes once again. He saw a blur, _probably tears_ , he thought. He promised he wouldn't, so he tried to keep the tears away but--

"It's okay, Clark." She held his gaze. "You have to be strong for your mother, but it's just us out here." He thought he saw a hint of a smile in her face. "You can let go." She said with the softest voice, he almost broke down right there, he never heard her talk like that, he snapped his head to watch her face, he realized she only said true things: it was just them out there, his mom wouldn't even notice he was gone, she was locked up in her bedroom. There was no reason to not let go. It was such an attractive thought to let her hold him all night, let her dry the tears that he's been holding back for more than a week...

She placed her hand on his face and dried the tears he didn't even noticed he was letting fall. It was too late to come back now, he was letting go, putting his heart for her to see and he didn't even feel guilty about it. She took him back to the house, holding his hand yet. He didn't know where they were going because his vision was so blurry, but it didn't matter, he was just following her lead and crying, crying and crying.

He sat on the couch and she placed his head on her lap, he let her play with his thick black hair with one hand and took the other to himself, holding it and feeling it's warmth.

He started remembering of when he was a kid, maybe three or four years old when his dad told him that he was going to school, his dad said that he was going to be different, but that's okay, because normal was just boring. He remembered all their Christmases together, as a happy family, he'd always find the perfect tree and make it even more beautiful, he'd put mistletoe hanging everywhere just to have fun watching his dad corner his mom in every single place to get a kiss. He remembered when Chloe and Pete came over to eat cookies and do homework and his dad helped them with Geography, Clark always knew all the answers but he appreciated the look his dad got when he answered something right and said "See, I still remember my school days, and you guys saying I'm getting old". He could even remember his voice giving them a lecture when he and Lois were caught taking separated showers in the bathroom.

And it felt nice to remember it, but it felt horrible to realize that he couldn't make any more memories with his dad. His protector, his hero, the man he admired the most.

As the tears slowed down and he started calming himself up, he looked up to see Lois watching him closely. He was sure he looked like a mess, his eyes were probably red and puffy and his face was a wet mess, but he didn't care.

"Thank you, Lois." He didn't think he's ever thanked someone so sincerely.

"Anytime, Smallville."


End file.
